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What the Fuck? Monday, February 9, 2004 07:22 p.m.
Today would have been ok except 1. Toyota dealership people screwed me over 2. My dad tried to pump information out of me. I'm more angry over the second one. Why else would he call me? Certainly not to talk to me or acknowledge me as his own daughter, oh hell no. Everytime I think more on it, I'm convienced the only reason he is doing this now is because he wanted to wait until me & Dale were legal adults. He waited until he didn't have to pay any child support. Goddamn fucker.

At first I was genuienly suprized that he called. I thought he might have done it on his own and was astounded/happy. But then that went down the tubes quick when all he wanted to know was about one thing. I didn't know what exactly he was trying to get outta me but I was still as vague as possible. Manipulating prick. I talked to mamasita about it and she told me what was going on. So basically, my own dad was trying to use me to get information. Another fucking stab in the back for me. I'm glad he holds his own damn daughter in such high respect. Its one thing to have issues with your wife and separate; its a whole new fucking ballgame to cut off your whole family- kids and all. I had no idea what was going on at the moment and he tried to use that to his advantage. There are only so many times you can think 'what a goddamn lying asshole' before you remember you are thinking about your dad.

Am I going mad? Saturday, February 7, 2004 09:46 p.m.
It's really not so bad to work on the weekends and go to school during the week. I mean, it could be alot worse. Right? My days are scheduled and I manage to get everything done, homework, 1hour workouts and at least 7hours sleep. Why do I feel so worn out all the time? Dunno, I just don't feel v. satisfied right now. In slump and also in anklebrace. As much as I enjoy school & living at school, I want it to end. But it's gunna suck next semester not being in the dorm, but then it would suck not to be at home alot too. Then also I don't want school to end b/c I would have to work all the time. Slump.

But anyways, I'l get a chance to relax soon. Just gotta hang in there another week. Next friday I'll be heading for New Orleans. RAWK!!! Must get Mikes Vday present soon. Yay! A shopping I will go! Also found a cool toy. I wanted to get him a card or something, but I figured nothing says 'I love you' better than a purple plastic jedi light saber. Yes, I am a dork. Anyways, also in this V-day weekend, my mom is getting her surgery and my uncle from texas is coming. Then v. days ahead again. My boss was also good enough to give me some Mardi Gras time off. On March 16, I'll have been at my job a whole year!! I think I'll bake cookies or something... prolly buy them since I can't cook, but that's good enough.

No Hamtaro, WTF? Wednesday, February 4, 2004 10:50 p.m.
Now been 3 days without my 8am Hamtaro fix. I've been waking up late now =( I make it to class in time, but it's just not the same without it.

Am studying goddamn Z-scores again, I really don't understand why I need this. And for the record, I will never have to use this ever again unless I go into the experimenting fields; a dark scary land I have no wish to journy to. I am also studying Humanistic pscyh with it's warm fuzzy feelings. Basically just combine Rogers, Jung, and Maslow. We don't even have a text book- nobodys interested in making a text about unconditional positive regard or the self theories. Kinda sad. Its a vague field I'd like to go into, but the other psych majors would make fun of me =)

But within all the goofiness I am dissapointed by a new discovery. Dr. Mac said they will only offer senior seminar in the spring semesters. What this means for me is another year here. Graduation in 2005, a whole fucking year from now. I can take experimental in the summer, but I am screwed by the timing of seminar. There are SO many psych majors, it doesn't make sense to even only do it in the spring. Alas, it doesn't keep the psych department from fucking me over. Dr. Mac told me if I was in a hurry to graduate I could get a degree in General Studies, unless it absolutely had to be psych. I like psych and I'd probably wait a year for it but the general studies is tempting. For someone who doesnt know how the financial situation will look with parents divorcing soon, this degree would be a fast remedy to end school. I had no idea I'd be stuck here a whole nother year, and a degree that I don't want is looking better all the time.

busy busy Sunday, February 1, 2004 01:02 a.m.
Last night I decided I was going to celebrate my good grades; thus meaning a trip to NOLA. I wish I had planned it out better, my mom told me she woulda loved to go down and shop sometime. Anyways, I couldn't sleep and was up at 7am, left at 9 and hung around with Mike until 5pm. Mike is the bestest =) I always have a great time.

But then I hauled ass to Mobile to make it to work at 8. So I hyped up on carmel coffee and even got to work early. Naf was greatful, he had a hot date & is probably getting some right now. LaShay & me closed, it was hardly busy at all so we spent most the night cleaning. It's just the same group of people that come in everyday, we know what they order by heart pratically. I do have a new minion at my bidding now... some guy working on his masters at south digs me. He wears transformer tshirts and the like. Tonight he pulled this 'oh sorry I didn't mean to touch your hand' thing tonight. Must watch out for this one. Maybe he's your type D. Oh well, I will throw him off by working at the morning shift tomorrow. 10 til 2, woo hoo. And what am I up doing? Nothing important. Must go to bed...

By the By, when I got back to the dorm there were flyers everywhere. A stupid Manditory meeting about underage drinking is on Tuesday night. I'm not even frickin underage, why do I have to go? *pouts*

stats results Friday, January 30, 2004 10:13 a.m.
89+4= Fucking awesomeness! That is all.

Later Edit: SHC is in the news again! Is it for our academic excellance or strong heritage? Hell no. 30 of our underage students were arrested last night at a club. They locked all the doors and did the breath test on them. 30 is quite alot to be arrested. I was wondering why there were camera people around. Hehehe, it is also open house for incoming freshmen today. Lets just say it's a been a bad day for the dean.

ick Thursday, January 29, 2004 06:05 p.m.
I made an 83 on my cog. test. Wouldn't ya know it, but essays killed me. Fuck Fuckity Fuck. If it ain't above 85 I tend to not care anymore. I hope Dr. S doesn't use the 7 point scale or I'm screwed. I don't have the results from Stats, but I will remain positive... I hope. I was able to study more this week. Not having to work all week really does help. I've also been enjoying working out every day. I'm a suspected maschoist since I can sometimes barely walk back to my room, but all is well. It's sad how flexible I USED to be *sigh* oh well, I'll get it back somehow.

OMG! Tuesday, January 27, 2004 11:05 a.m.
*whimpers* I just got done with my cog psy exam. Second I got out I had to check and see what I screwed up on. Serisouly, I do know this stuff somewhere inside my head. I just mis-spell the be-Jesus out of it. *whines* EEG is a long word, thus the need for shorter term! God forbid I miss 2 whole letters in it. ElectroENcephalogram. Also for the record, ERP does NOT mean Eletro Response Potential... It must be great to be a teacher and know when students are pulling answers out of their ass. My essays are complete ass. Pure ass, all the time. Just exactly how did I get this far in college??

Big Muscle Men, Inc... Monday, January 26, 2004 07:14 p.m.
...Is the name of my company. In Industrial/ Organization psych, Dr. Mac wanted us to makeup a company of at least 10 employees. The big project is due in April. I had to makeup a business card last week, he liked the idea. BMMI is located non other than NOLA and has been "Intimidating others since 1916". I'm the new owner of this fine estabolishment; under my name I put "I'll bust your kneecaps for FREE!" Now I need to make a logo, basis of payment, and cost of particular service. Any idea how much it should cost to break a few fingers or decapitate someone? I'll think more on it.

Well yesterday at work I caught Steph doing something really fishy with the register. It was short by like 80 cents, but something weird is definitely going on. We've all had our eye on her lately, it's just odd b/c there should be more missing. Anyways, it sucked hard having to work with her again. She's so damn lazy, she doesn't do anything & it's v. fustrating. Saturday night was hell, Sunday wasn't much fun either.

Well, I'm off to study more. My first cognitive psych exam is tomorrow. I'm hoping I can get an A average on all of them so I won't have to take the bitch of a final. Kirk Out.

Ranting... Sunday, January 25, 2004 12:47 a.m.
I could bitch all night about this, but I'll keep it short. Steph is a whore-hell-beast. Naf & I had to put up with her shit all night. I thought my head was going to explode. I kept myself sane all night by imagining capping her in the knees with a crowbar. Naf truly tried to be nice but that didn't work out. The night pretty much ended with him declaring "Holy War!!" on her. Him going around and pointing at the hellbeast shouting in a different language is pretty damn fun to watch. Ah yes... these our the days of our lives...

Well, it's late and I need to sleep I just don't feel like it right now. I feel like jumping up and going out. If I were with Mike I'd be beering right now =( I miss him... and I wish I were beering.

Holy Crap! Friday, January 23, 2004 12:09 a.m.
Wow, I saw Natalie today! I didn't realize how much I missed her presence. We were comrads at S&S, I haven't seen her in a year. She's matured, for herself. She's like 23, but reminds me so much of myself at 18, except with more peircings and black hair. We did have the same hairstyle for a long time, I grew mine out hella long compared to hers. But man was it good to see her. Some one sane for once! She used to be alot chubbier from pot too, she looks skinnier now. She's also engaged again with another guy. Go her. It's amazing what all happens in a year.

Lets see... where was I about this time last year? Oh yeah. Junior & commuter at shc... getting out of a shitty relationship and very happy about it... looking and finding new employment... and starting to have a crush on a guy in my creative writing class (What can I say, I liked his stories better). Well, damn. I'm doing pretty damn good this year already. Rock!

Da Vinci & the Holy Grail?? Only in fiction.... Wednesday, January 21, 2004 10:52 p.m.
Art class makes me want to start drawing again *sigh* another thing I don't have time for. I barely have enough time to study during the week when I factor in the night classes and work. But I gotta make money somehow. And daytime study is shot, especially b/c of stupid-ass tutoring at Denton. I wish I'd never done that metro Jesuit thingy. I don't care how much money they give me, it's always been the biggest pain in the ass. I have to schedule classes around it, plus deal with all kinds of shite. We won't mention the fact I'm a horrible tutor that is expected to teach kids to read ENGLISH. At least I don't have to speak my horrible broken Spanish anymore... I still have nightmares.

In the spare time I get, I have to read The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown for my art class. It's ficton but she figured it'd be a good read for the class. And it's due fecking tuesday! Fuck Fuckity Fuck. At least it's good so far, it's just a matter of making time to read it. What really saved my ass and allowed me to catch up was my night class cancelled. Hoorah! More time to study! More time for me to sleep! It's like the 3rd week of classes and I'm starting to lose my marbles.

Mysteries unfolding Tuesday, January 20, 2004 11:05 a.m.
I'm learning spiffy stuff with my SHC edumacaion. Today I learned a new term. Men are more 'lateralized'. They tend to use one side of the brain while women use both our hemispheres. Ladies, we knew this already. That's what probably takes us so damn long to decide on what to wear in the morning. Mystery solved.

So... um, yeah. After a morning learning about brains, I'm getting a headache. Either that or because I just found out my neighbors broke up on friday. It finally explains the constant blaring of Alanis Morrset and hardcore chickrock. She was getting into the girlie-groupe on friday, but Monday was when the fun began. They live directly across the hall from each other, you can imagine all the fun things I hear... mostly from her. Someone is bitter. Matts been pretty quite and mature about it compared to Catlin. Well D, I got a single neighbor that's pretty cute... think about it.

The Effects Thursday, January 15, 2004 01:33 p.m.
It's like a bad disease, starting slowly but after 3 months you're a goner. It makes you fat, break out, lose hair, and gives you that nasty 'old moldy building' smell. This is college my friend.

Lucky for my skin, I finally got another dermatologist appointment. 1 friggin doctor in Mobile, taking 3-4 months to get an appointment. If I had skin cancer I'd be dead by now. Thank you Alabamas best. Eh well, not much I can do for the moment, other than skip tutoring for my appointment. Hehehe. Skipping tutoring is tricky though. Dr. Orange knows (and calls me) by my aol screenname. Stalker-wench. The woman is satan. You can practically feel the presence of evil when she walks in a room. Having her interrigate you over tutoring isn't enjoyable. Where's a priest when I need one...

O.o Wednesday, January 14, 2004 10:35 p.m.

You are going to marry Orlando Bloom. He will
always treat you right and is very romantic. He
will do anything for you. He is very polite and
has deep brown eyes and is very good looking
(which is another plus!). He can make anythind
cheesy look really good (like sliding down
stairs on a shield shooting arrows or wearing
pointy ears for example). Congrats!!

Which male celebrity are you going to marry?
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Hehehe.... Looky what I got D! Awww yeah. Emily Bloom don't sound right though...

Jack Daniels and Slimfast... Monday, January 12, 2004 10:43 p.m.
...Ah, how I miss it. I now have oranges in the dorm! And water, a lump of mold, and a partridge in a pear tree. I needs to lose some weight. As an incentive, if I reach my goal I'll get myself a japanese school girl uniform. Rock! I don't know where or when I'd wear it, I'd just like to have one. Hopefully I'll be back to norm by summer. Well, it's time to do some cognitive pysch. Bleh.

Monday, January 12, 2004 10:37 a.m.
I worked my friggin ass off yesterday, and I still can't get any sleep. After 10-11 hours of being on my feet, I was too tired to move but yet remain a grumpy-ass insomiac zombie. I'm takin the pill form of sleep tonight, woohoo! Damn I am hungry... I needs food in the dorm bad. All I have is water and some mold growing in the corner. Think spores have any nutrional value?

Well, all is well in the emily universe. Except for industrial psych. Dr. Mac is getting up there in years and I don't think he notices when we change books- he still hands out the old papers that go with the older books. We have to find diagrams and pages that don't exist in this realm anymore. Not to mention his fanscination with drugs and always very relaxed about-to-fall-asleep voice. It must be nice to be on tenure.

Attack of the Snoogans: The Soul of Sigh Cotica Friday, January 9, 2004 03:31 p.m.
I think I should get a job making up book titles. heh. Last night at work I was approached by Adrian and Snoogans. I haven't seen these guys in a year, and out of the blue I'm upsmacked in the head with them. I forgot how to speak Adrian and that made it difficult to understand him, but everyone seems to understand the words 'manga' and 'anime'... Ok ok, he doesn't speak his own language, it just sounds like that sometimes when he rushes words together. It was cool to see snoogans again, last time I saw him he had blue hair. Adrian works at golden corral now, so beware that place at any cost people. I got to hold the soul of sie cotica, (adrians british alter ego) and open the box. Wouldn't you know it, but souls can be kept in a pill box... Anyways, I gave them my cel phone number and told them we all needed to catch up. It's very weird how they pop up, dissapear for a year, then pop up again. Ah, the dark life. Last night was made much better by the fact I got to talk to Mike. I miss him bunches.

Well, I'm outta class for the day, I crave steakfries... or something or the like. I feel the need to go celebrate and have an excuse to eat lots of food. I've been dying for lone star steak fries for the oddest reason. I was going to move my clothes in the dorm since I haven't done that yet, but maybe later. I'm going to get so fat...

How do you people do it? Friday, January 9, 2004 12:48 a.m.
How do you people actually make it out of college?? I mean, getting in was easy at least. How you freaks do it I'll never know. Looks like I'll be tacking on another semester- I feel like it's never going to happen. I just want to get the hell out. If I die before I graduate I'm going to be SO pissed off...

Had a glorious first day of class, complete with the scared piss-less panic and bursting into tears. Cognitive Psych will take work/time/effort & I don't care about that- it will probably be interesting to some degree. All other classes I can probably kick ass in. But senior fucking seminar...hell no. No. Not ready, I can't do it. Descriptive and Experimental psychs are not pre-recs for senior seminar. I haven't taken those yet and didn't think I would need to. God was I ever wrong. I asked Dr. Simpson if it was possible, and he said barely. Am terrified. Most important class of college career and I'm don't know how to do experimental/research methods yet. Unless I drop this course, I am in deep shit my friends. And my poor GPA can't take that much more.

I have alot going on; I have a job for Christ's sake. Right now it's either going to be senior seminar or my job, and frankly I like making money. I'm already behind and at least senior seminar is offered every semester. I've got 6 hard classes, a job and unresolved family issues- my head is going to burst into flames. I'm so digusted and fustrated with myself and with college. I need alcohol...

Look out Brandon Lee... Tuesday, January 6, 2004 10:17 p.m.

What Is Your Animal Personality?
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hey D, the puma does suit you very well.

kill joy Friday, January 2, 2004 10:30 p.m.
Registration for fall is on the wednesday and classed start the thursday =( I never get a break. I was just starting to get used to the holidays too. I was semi-freaking, I coudln't find out when classes started. I still don't know when I can get back in the dorms, but I don't really care about that at least. I just hope I don't get any classes around noon, crunch aerobics is at 12:20 everyday. Am getting obessed with avoiding mirrors, I'm up to 170 lbs again. Ugh, so self-conscious, I have issues. But at least I'm the type who will never be afraid to eat mass-amounts of food, especially butterfingers =)Plus, there are better things to worry about I suppose. Like hopefull last-real-semester-at-school worries...

Happy New Year! Thursday, January 1, 2004 07:39 p.m.
I did everything to start this year off right. Had a sweet boyfriend to kiss at midnight, a few drinks, and a some black-eyed peas at home. My year ought to kick ass.

I had a most awesome trip to NOLA, I really didn't want to leave. Really indescribable great time with Mike. Again, I really didn't want to leave. He's so sweet. He puts up with me when I'm all giggly and stupid; gotta respect that. That and he's just too cute and nice for me. Today after I slept off booze headache, he took me to the park. It was nice and thought up a really good punishment for an enemy (staple bread on them & leave them to the ducks). But now I'm back in the real world and schools gunna start again soon. I wish I knew when...

Well, New Years Resolutions: drink more water, workout enough to where I feel comfy again in a two-piece, and try to finish college. Lets hope we keep them this year.

groggy ranting Sunday, December 28, 2003 12:35 p.m.
Christmas was kinda sad this year. Material wise, I got great gifts and didn't even want/need anything more. I'm as happy as I can be in that area and very appreciative of everything. I'm also very grateful to have people who care about me. But I missed Dale and Daddy. It doesn't seem like Christmas without my brother around. He eats enough food for all of us. He brings his heffer wife and their child and make the place noisy and messy. I miss it. The house is too quiet and too clean with just me and my mother here; it's strange and I'm used to more people, especially on Christmas. It was kinda lonely.

Daddy came over Christmas morning probably with the intention of staying only an hour or so. We exchanged gifts and he was itching to leave then. For where I don't give a rats ass, but he was ready to leave. Too bad for him, we put in a movie (POTC- it was too long for him) and wanted him to stay longer. I mean, we're his family and it was Christmas. Are we that bad? Mama wanted him to have a conversation with me but he gave a pathetic attempt. I was civil to him since it was Christmas, but rest assured now that it isn't I can go back to being openly bitter. It just hurts more sometimes. I spent the rest of Christmas at my grandparents house, where again it was too quiet without Dale around. It didn't seem the same though we tried to keep it as normal as we could. On the way back, we dropped by my uncles (my dads twin brother) and saw their family. They were all together and happy, it was kinda a grim reminder. After that me and my mom went home and did nothing really.

So for the rest of the long weekend I went shopping and working. I made myself promise for one shirts I buy, I throw one out of my closet. So now I have plenty of stuff for goodwill now. I wish I felt better about my appearance, but my face looks horrid with red spots. I'd be pretty again if I didn't get stressed out and have acne *sigh* such a damper on self esteem. I'm trying to drink as much water as I can & take my medication but it heals very slowly. Such a downer. I haven't been sleeping as well either. The only real sleep I get comes in pill form but won't let me wake up in the morning. So do I get sleep and not wake up til noon, or do I get a broken 4-5 hours of sleep? Probably the reason I'm so bitchy and negitive now is I'm still fighting off ther effects of good long sleep. ugh. Next week will be better... Next week will be better... Next week will be better...

It's Christmas Eve already?? damn Wednesday, December 24, 2003 12:16 a.m.
Work was all peaches and cream, until I got called into the bookstore part to work. It's not hard at all, people are just assholes. Anyways, Vicki made me a faerie for Christmas and I got to dance with her 2 year old, who could possibly be the cutest kid ever. Naf was sweet and over joyed to see me since he got stuck with Stephanie all day. She doesn't do jack shit but stay at the register. Bosses are starting to get suspitious because the cash drawer is coming up lacking. Who could it be??? hmmm... think real hard now.

Well, I work Christmas eve for a good 5 hours, and get paid for holidays. I will finally have a vera nice paycheck! It still doesn't really feel like the holidays to me. Maybe it's daddy leaving us, or I'm just hating Xmas music at work, I can't really put my finger on it. I just don't feel the way I normally would at Christmas. Am I getting bitter at the young age of 21? Maybe. Anyways, I still can't wait for New Years. I'm still hoping I got it off so I can go see Mike. How much would that rock? A whole fuckin lot.

Nice try, fat chance Sunday, December 21, 2003 04:58 p.m.
Work on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday rocked. We were fast and workin together and junk, it was great. I got alotta stuff done and even a Lula complement. Then Saturday came and sucked the will to live outta me. I wasn't light on my feet from pain and extrememly moody from pms, Naf got a huge bleeding gash on his forearm from stock, and Stephanie had some kinda pinched nerve in her arm. It was one of the busiest days we had in awhile and we all were in a funk. It was busy and we all dragged on at a slow pace. It sucked.

And usually I just have nice old men hit on me, yesterday it was a younger guy with a girl in tow. "Is that your natural hair color? How old are you? You can't be 21, you look 15! Just kidding, you look 25... are you single?" I was just kinda... ok whatever, be gone! What kinda nasty perv meets & wants a random coffee shop girl with stress related acne? At least the old men are such better flirts than the younger ones. They complement knowing they don't have a snowballs chance, and still make ya feel nice. Younger ones are mostly tactless and actually think they have a snowballs chance. This guy was 29, there with a chick, and telling me I looked old. I was in a pissy mood to begin with, don't make it any worse. Five minutes later he came back and said "sorry if I offended you" no offense taken since it happens alot, but it was just odd. Men in their 60s have alot better practice at it, all these nerdy dorks in their 30s suck. Nice try, idiot.

It's a boy Friday, December 19, 2003 02:11 p.m.
Yep, it's ultrasound confirmed. I'm gunna get a nephew in April. I know Dale is happy, so more power to him. I guess I will have a new relative to spoil now, lucky me. I do feel for the kid though. Dale will try to dress him in nothing but camo and hunting gear. The kid's gunna grow up dressed & talking like that guy on Mail Call...

"Release the prisoners" Thursday, December 18, 2003 08:03 p.m.
I won't spoil the movie for anyone, but Orcs (and the other dark-like bad guys) fuckin' rock. They make such good villains/evil henchmen. Orcs rock, elves are pretty, fat hobbits are cute and Return of the King was awesome.

Not much here. Just been working off my jiggly at B&N... does that sound like prostitution? I was thinking of getting the Carmen Electra Aerobic Striptease DVD for my new year. Sounds interesting and I needs to lose wieght v. badly. I hope they have it at Bestbuy, but I think you can only get it online here. Bummer.

Free time void Tuesday, December 16, 2003 12:29 a.m.
Man, when I'm not working there really isn't much to do around here. I thought I'd start killing time writing on the vamps or something but I haven't been in the writing mood lately. I still do it the old fashion way, pen and paper, since the new fangled typing thing really doesn't do it for me. Oh well, there are plenty of ways to kill time.

Had a positively great time Sunday with Mike, though I had a bitch of a time getting there. I woke up and nearly froze to death in the house. Then when I was about to leave at 10am, I couldn't find my wallet and started to freak. It was safe at work, lucky for me. But I finally made it and had a great time. He's awesome. More than awesome. Can't describe how utterly awesome. There's lots of times when I think how great it would be for us to be closer distance wise. 2 hours away can be really hard at times. Maybe some day we'll be able to do it, but that's def. not anytime soon. Oh well, I needs a bath and adult swim. Rock on.

Boo ya! Sunday, December 14, 2003 12:57 a.m.
Aww yeah, I am still employed. Better than that, my bosses still like me. I rock! In fact, I everyone likes me. Except for the really rude-ass customer that came in, and his hatred was more for Nafuil. Go figure.

I got tomorrow off for once, considering I never got a sunday off even during exams. What do I plan to do? Go see Mike! I prolly won't get a chance to see him again til way after Christmas, so figured I'd at least try to. Still feel semi-conscerned for screwing up their role-playing plans, but I'm sure they'll all eventually get over it. It must be a tough choice though, girlfriend or roleplaying... girlfriend, or roleplaying? Eh, he'll get over it just this once maybe =)

Is the end nigh? Blame trickle down bitching... or Emeril Thursday, December 11, 2003 12:44 a.m.
I was having a pretty damn good day shopping for Christmas presents when I decided 'hey, I'll stop by work'. WRONG thing to do. Can't stress that enough. Never ever ever go to work on an off day, it's bad mojo. I get there and they are incredibly busy, but my boss still finds time to freak me out. And though it was just for alittle warning/chewing me out, I know there is more to come when she gets time. Trust me, I somehow know this will not be over, call it intution. She sees me there and says "Emily, just the person I needed to talk to" then does this creepy come-hither motion with her index finger. Once I saw that I started worrying about job stability.

Sunday there was a big booksigning in P-cola by Emeril. My bosses bosses boss, the big fuckin guy (who is actually a woman), decided that since my bosses boss was distracted with the P-cola booksigning, she might as well check out the Mobile store while he was away. Thus is probably the end of my career.

I hate it when bosses drop in on you, and on the busiest freakin day imaginable doesn't help. Sunday I busted my ass. I worked hard Sunday afternoon stocking when I got a free chance. I had to do it fast too since we were so busy, and I was actually proud of the physical labor work I did Sunday. The boss lady said I wrung her up, didn't offer to upsize or offer her anything from the case. I might not do alot of things I should, but I am damn well electro-shock trained into asking about the case or membership card. Then she said I made her drink wrong. Ice goes last, which I normally do but for some fucking reason didn't do infront of my secret shopping boss. The big boss bitches out my bosses boss, he trickle down bitches to my boss, and my boss will trickle down bitch to me since she got humilated. Now I'm freakin out becuase I don't know how long I'm gunna have a job here now. Are they friggen going to fire me for making a chi wrong?

So now after this I wonder if I'm just freaking out or if my boss really truely hates me. I've been there since March I know, I can count on one hand how many times I was told by my boss what a good job I was doing. Miss Lula always encouraged us, but she's not the boss. Added workload of extra side work makes me feel very appreciated as a worker too. How many times did I work and see my boss just sitting there chatting with friends, or taking a lunch that lasted over an hour? My boss is a nice lady when she's not working, but I feel like an un-appreciated defunct droid in a God-less corporation. I still hope they don't fire me though. I've never been fired before, I don't want to try and find another job either. I'm a good frickin worker damnit!

Let the drinking begin! Tuesday, December 9, 2003 11:27 p.m.
Ah, finally exams are over and the partying begins. My feelings on the exams: Negative! I'm pretty sure I did a shitty job on my soc. of law exam, just because whatever he tells us to study is not on the test. Good ole Dr. Hall, what a predictable little man you are. At least I know I kicked ass in his criminology class even if I did suck at law. Oh well. Not like it really matters to my psychology degree. Time to kick back, get buzzed, remember why I hated this semester, and be glad it's finally gone for good! Yay!

Today I had some really deep thoughts. Go me!!! I don't know if I will walk in May, I'm trying for it somewhat. If I don't that's fine too, I'd like to take some time to up my GPA. But what bothered me was do I want my dad there? Do I even want my dad around for Christmas? Right now, hell no. Seeing him makes me very angry and upset, I can't handle it now. But what am I supposed to do with him when I see him? I'm switching between being civil to him and being a bitch to him which must confuse him. I'd honestly rather just be a bitch to him since there's nothing he can really do about it. Plus, it's just easier to be a bitch than be civil when you're pissed off. But he IS my father and we have to love each other and that crap. I really just don't know how to act around him. He basically raised us and left, which was pretty bad. But then to leave your loving family all for a whore... it still hurts and angers me. So he throws us all away for nothing, but then he also has to be a complete jerk to my mother. She's still seeking explanations and the last thing he wants is to be questioned, but you don't have to be an asshole. At least try to be fucking honest, geeze. I want to be a bitch and yell at him, but I also don't want to drive him any further away either. *sigh* So what's a girl to do? Oh well, I guess I shouldn't even worry about it now. I got my cheap wine coolers and adult swim to keep me happy for tonight. Keep on rockin' and Kirk out.

Tuesday, December 9, 2003 12:49 a.m.
My last exam will be tomorrow morning, huzzah. It's been a shitty semester, and as easy as it was for me to ignore I'll be glad it's over. I've pretty much been half-assing it this whole damn semester. And when I think back, I've been pretty much half-assing it all through college. I'm good for mediocre I guess, I made it this far without much humiliation. I think if I really applied myself I could be better, I just don't care to try really. Did I ever really care about college to begin with, or was it just another place to go after high school? I'm the latter part of my senior year, which I will be required to do mountains of work and pull forth past information I probably never learned. Which means I'm fucked six ways from Sunday.

I'd apply myself but now I'm even wondering how I could do that. I know why I should, up my GPA, make my mother proud, be able to get in gradute school, and make life happy in general. Now I fear if I applied myself, would it even do me any good? If I try I always get shot down, and my fragile ego can't take it right now. Plus I turn into a control freak, get bitchy, and I'm never really happy or satisfied with myself. It's damn hard to be happy about life when you're stressing over stupid little things such as notes or homework. But I can't take the failure of not trying in my senior year. My GPA can't stand for me to slack off and be a moody emo because her father is a jackass. My parents can't pay for me to fail, and I sure as hell can't afford it. I need to change so I'll try in school, I just hate turning into the unhappy OCD bitch that usually happens as a result.

My own Horror movie... Saturday, December 6, 2003 02:24 a.m.
Night of the returning Ex-boyfriends! AHH!!! *hides behind the couch* Seriously, there's only one ex I really truly hate. The all the rest ended on pertty ok terms and we can still talk, catch up on junk etc. Even me and Chris C. are civil and can still joke around. But the one you don't want to see ever again is the one that stalks you at work (or when their current girlfriend come up to work to catch him in a lie... that story is for another day though). I seriously get the creepies, and knowing how bad mall security is I don't feel any better. I know how he is, he calls it 'checking' on me, like he's doing me a favor or something. I just get a nasty gut feeling that I may need a bigger knife. Where's an Edward when I need one?

Crazies... Thursday, December 4, 2003 12:45 a.m.
God, where would we be without them? Oh yeah... happy. Earlier my cleaniness-nazi-ultra-uptight boss heard running water outside the store (out in the ally with the dumpsters, etc.) which was kinda strange. She opened the back door and there was a man, buck-ass naked taking a shower out there. She immediately freaked and asked what the hell he was doing. He said he was just taking a shower. She told him he couldn't do that, but he said he had places to go that he was busy important person. No he couldn't leave, but he had important places he had to be. So...um, yeah. She had to call Security to pick up naked man. I thought it was funny just trying to imagine what my bosses face looked like at that moment... made my day. Working at Barnes&Nobles definitely rocks the fuckin casba sometimes.

Oy, it begins... Monday, December 1, 2003 10:20 p.m.
Hype up on coffee and/or sugar and run your nearest Barnes&Nobles! Its EXAM week! That's right. That great time O the season that us all cringe is back again. It's times like these that I wonder what I actually DID learn with my SpringHill education. Seems like I left alot out...

Did finish my Shakespeare paper. I did have some very good points but over all it was kinda shoddy. Thank God I have Kaffer, he likes me somewhat. After taking that class in England with him he hasn't given me anything lower than a B. Here's hoping kids. Also with funky class hours going on and more free time, I figured I'd stay home. I end up studying more here anyways. And I sleep better, can take a nice shower, and don't freeze my ass off at night. I do miss the guys though, think I'll make sure to see them at lunch. Well, I better go going. Kirk out.

Procrastination... Sunday, November 30, 2003 05:37 p.m.
Today has been very very sucky. I'm procrastinating doing a paper at the moment, I just really feel like nothing right now. Earlier I went to church with my mother for the first time in forever. I wanted to be there but just felt weird being there not knowing who my dad is friends with. Who is my friend or foe, that kinda thing. Then my dad came home to visit and let the drama begin. I can't blame him for not ever wanting to come over since all we do is cry/bitch at him when he's here. But what the fuck does he expect? Look elsewhere if you want support for this dumbass, you won't get it from me. It's not like I can just overlook this and ignore it like he wants me too, like he does himself. I still don't know exactly how I should act around my dad. Seeing him just either saddens me or pissed me off, so when I need to talk to him I can't get clarity. The whole experience just kinda leaves me numb... and sometimes more pissed off at him. So far it's much nicer to act like a bitch than like a victim.

Later went to the jewelry show with D. It felt better to be surrounded by glittering, shiny happy things I'll never be able to afford. Must be the all baltic amber, it's my fav. Then after I got back home I talked to Mike abit. He always lightens my mood instantly. I miss him so much, especially when I'm having a shitty day and just need a hug. I fell asleep by the fireplace until my grandparents came over. They took me & my mom out out to dinner. Well, it's about time I started on my paper. Shakespeare can't be put off much longer...ugh. Please save me.